The Letter
by mattaweber
Summary: Set post 47 Seconds. Castle is finished being Beckett's partner but he wants to tell her why. Set three days after the show ends. Slightly AU. Now Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N – A short one-shot post 47-seconds. Set three days after Castle hears Beckett in that interrogation scene. He hasn't spoken with her for 3 days. For the sake of this short, assume that Castle never hid his conversation with Mr. Smith, and instead told her the truth. Makes it a little AU, I guess, but it works out better that way.**

**I could probably expand this, if it is popular enough, to include Kate's reaction.**

**Thanks in advance for any reviews or favs! They are love.**

He couldn't not say goodbye. He had been with her for four years already, and she at least needed to know why he was leaving, why he couldn't bear to be in her presence any longer, why he wouldn't be there for _always_. But he couldn't talk to her. It'd be too painful, to unbearably painful. He was a coward. Just like her.

So he wrote a letter. His words had always been his tool for expressing himself, so this time they couldn't fail him. He had to let her know.

_Dear Kate,_

_You have probably wondered where I've been these last three days. I know you've tried to call, and even tried to see me at home. I'm an ass for doing it this way, but you need to know what's going on, and why I can't be there._

_I know you lied about that day in the cemetery. I overheard you talking to one of the bombing suspect a few days ago. I can never un-hear what you said. _

_I love you, Kate Beckett. More than life itself. I would have died for you in that cemetery a few months ago. I would do anything to spare you pain; you've suffered so much in your life, and I don't want to add to it. _

_But at a certain point, I need to think of myself. I can no longer be your partner. I kills me to write that sentence, but I can no longer stay by your side when I love you so much, and it's obvious that you don't feel the same. After all, why else would you lie?_

_I know my declaration of love didn't come at the best time, and that thrusting that upon you when you were fighting for your life wasn't something that should've been done. I know that when you woke up in that hospital room that you were feeling overwhelmed, and that you might not have known how to deal with what I said. I know all that. But we trust each other, Kate. With our lives, every single day. And you've broken that trust._

_I would have waited forever if need be. All you needed to tell me was that you needed time, or you could have told me that you didn't love me. Either way, we'd still be able to work together. I'm a big boy. I can handle the truth. But I can't handle the lie._

_Love means the ability to forgive someone their sins. I do forgive you for this Kate. It isn't your fault that I fell in love with you. It isn't your fault that you don't feel the same way. Even the lie on that day in the hospital isn't unforgivable. But I cannot stick around knowing what I know now._

_This is going to kill me, Kate, that's for sure. I promised you _ALWAYS_, and I tried every single day to make it apparent to you that I meant that. It's a promise I'm going to have to break, for my own sanity, and that more than anything is breaking my heart._

_You should know that I will always love you, and that I will never get over you. You were the one. You were it for me. And even though our chance is gone, I will always love you._

_I hope that someday you can find happiness. I hope you find someone who can be there for you and you can be there for him; someone you can just dive into it with. I hope that you find what you are looking for one day. You deserve so much in life, Kate. I hope you find it._

_Love Always,_

_Rick Castle_

Castle printed the letter out on his ink-jet printer that sat beside his desk, placed the letter into an envelope and wrote the initials _KB_ on the front after sealing it. He was done.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – Wow. Simply amazed at the number of people who wanted me to continue. So by request, here is Kate's response. I've decided because of the awesome response to drag this out into a few chapters (probably 3 or 4). Our heroes will correspond a couple times before they come face to face. That should be entertaining.**

**Please leave a review to let me know if you're still enjoying this story.**

The Letter Chapter 2

When Kate Beckett walked into the precinct that Friday morning, she was absolutely miserable. As she stepped off of the elevator, she immediately looked towards her desk and the chair that sat beside it. _Empty._ This was the fourth day that he had just not shown up. _Abandoned her, more like. _She knew he was okay, she had talked to Alexis, but mini Castle wouldn't tell Kate what was going on. In fact, the girl had been downright cold when Beckett had talked to her on Wednesday. _What the hell is going on?_ She asked herself as she took off her jacket and draped it over her chair.

As she sat down she noticed an envelope sitting on her keyboard, neatly sitting between the second and third row of keys. The initials _KB___stood out like chalk on a blackboard. _Castle's writing_. With shaking hands, she picked up the envelope and slumped back in her chair. _What could be inside?_ Hoping for some sort of rational explanation for his disappearance, she opened the envelope, slid the single sheet of paper out and began to read.

As she reads, her hands start to shake even more, making it hard to see the words on the page. _Oh. God._

_xxxxxxxxx_

Beckett walked into the morgue a half hour later on shaky legs. "Lanie," she said in a small voice. Dr. Parish looked up from the report she had just started working on a few minutes earlier.

"Kate, what the hell's wrong?" She stood up and helped guide the shaking detective to the chair.

"Castle said goodbye. He's gone, Lanie. He's not coming back," she said through increasingly powerful tears. "It's all my fault too."

"Oh, honey, what happened?" Kate looked up, and handed Castle's letter to Lanie. She had been clutching it since she had finished reading it.

Lanie took the sheet of paper and read the letter slowly. When she finished, she said, "You remember? How could you not tell anyone that you remember? Why would you lie?"

"Lanie, I was so screwed up right after that. I couldn't deal with what he said, and once I lied to him, I couldn't very well tell anyone else the truth. I'm sorry I didn't tell you…" she trailed off as the tears continued to flow down her cheeks.

Lanie sighed, controlling her anger. "I'm not the one you're going to have to apologize to, Kate, and you know it. You kept that man on a leash for months, years really, knowing that he has feelings for you, and it just wasn't fair. I know you care about him, sweetie, but you can't keep dragging him along with you if there's nothing in it for him. Do you understand?"

Kate looked up at her friend, contemplating the words she knew she had had been having problems admitting even to herself. In a very small voice, one that Lanie had to stretch in order to hear, Beckett said, "I love him, Lanie."

Lanie stared at her for almost a minute before she said anything, simply taking in what she just heard. "And why doesn't he know this?"

"Because I haven't told him. I can't. I'm not ready for a relationship, and especially not one with Castle. It feels different with him, and if I take that jump, I'm afraid of where it'll end up. I'm just scared, Lanie. And until I can get rid of that fear, I can't tell him how I feel."

"Kate," she said, sliding forward in her chair so she could get closer to her friend, "that fear is never going to go away, at least not completely. And if you can't tell him, you're going to lose him. It really is as simple as that. You will have to decide which you fear more; telling him the truth or losing him forever." Lanie never was one to sugarcoat the truth.

Kate looked down at her hands and said with a sob, "I can't lose him, Lanie. He means everything to me. I can't lose him."

"Then you have to tell him why you lied. Saying 'I love you' isn't a marriage proposal or an invitation to jump right into bed. Tell him that you need some more time before jumping into it. But you can't keep him waiting forever. It isn't fair to him. If you aren't close to where you need to be, or you fear that you will never get there, then you need to let him go. Either way you should talk to him, even if it is to just tell him why you can't ever be with him."

"You know me and talking, Lanie. I don't do words. Words are his thing, not mine. How am I supposed to string that many sentences together when I can't stop crying for 10 minutes to talk to you?"

"He wrote you a letter. In many ways he took the coward's way out too, so write him back. Maybe that will make the eventual face to face conversation, if there is one, easier for you. So write him a letter."

xxxxxxxx

_So write him a letter._ _Lanie makes it sound so simple,_ Kate thought when she got home that evening. Her day had been pretty terrible. Knowing that Castle had walked away from her, and the inevitable boredom that accompanies a day of paperwork, had made the day almost unbearably long.

When she arrived at her empty apartment, she walked to the kitchen and poured herself a large glass of wine, grabbed a pad of paper and a pen that had been sitting on the counter, and walked to the couch in the living room.

_Write him a letter._ But what should she say? Obviously the words sorry and 'please forgive me' should be in there somewhere, right? Before she could think too much about what she would say, the pen was flying over the page, writing the words she couldn't yet bring herself to say out loud.

_Dear Castle,_

_I should start out this letter by saying how sorry I am that you found out about this the way that you did. It should have come from me, and it shouldn't have taken this long for me to tell you the truth. Hell, I should have never lied in the first place. I guess you walking away from me has caused me to rethink some things. I only hope that I'm not too late. _

_I am so, so sorry for lying to you. You of all people don't deserve to be treated like I've treated you. I would like your forgiveness, but I won't ask for it. I don't deserve it, and I don't expect it to ever come._

_Like has always been my problem, I'm not sure what I should say. The unselfish part of me wants to tell you to stay away from me. It will protect you in the long run. I'm a damaged, selfish, and closed off individual and I haven't found the inner strength to change, as much as I might want to. But the biggest portion of me wants to be selfish. Needs to be selfish._

_I need you Castle. You know how independent I am, so you should know how hard it was for me to write that sentence. I need you more than I've ever needed anyone before, and it scares the crap out of me every single day. That is one of the reasons I lied to you. I figured that if I told you how I felt about you, that need would only increase. God, I've been so selfish._

_I don't want you to walk away, but I don't know how to fix this. I'm too broken. I'm too scared. And I know if we take the jump into something more, I'll ruin it, and that would hurt too much for both of us. _

_I talked to Lanie, and she said to just tell you the truth or to let you go. Both options scare me more than you'll ever know. _

_Maybe it's because I'm writing this on paper and not saying it to your face, but the further I get with this, the easier it gets to be honest with you. So I'm going to take option number one: the truth. I love you, Richard Castle. I'm not ready to say the words out loud yet. Even writing them took ten minutes and my hands are still shaking. I'm not sure what I'm scared of, really, but I am scared. And I don't know how to fix that. Lanie said the fear will never go away. I hope that she is wrong._

_I have hurt you so much already, and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm afraid that if we start something before I'm whole again, before my wall comes all the way down, that I'll hurt you even more and that I won't be able to fix it. You deserve so much more than I can offer._

_I'll say this again, I'm sorry for lying to you. At the time it seemed like my only option. I couldn't tell you the truth, because I thought that it would mean that we would have to jump into a relationship right away. Perhaps I was wrong, but you have to remember that I was just shot. I almost died. I couldn't handle a declaration of love right then, let alone a new relationship. It would have fallen apart before it even began, and I would have lost you forever. It was just something that I couldn't risk. So I did what I do best. I lied to you and pushed you away. I know now that it was a mistake, and I am so sorry for putting you through that. I should have been honest about everything from the start; told you that I remembered but that I wasn't ready, and then kept you around to help me heal. I wanted you there so much that it hurt, but I was just too stubborn, too broken, and too set on the path that I had set. I am so sorry._

_I don't want you to walk away. I want you there when that wall falls down, and I can be free again. It won't be tomorrow or the next day, but I am working on it. Please, Castle, come back and help me bring it down. Please._

_I know you've already said goodbye, but I am not giving up on us yet, Castle. While I am not ready yet, I want there to be a future for you and me. I want that so much, but I can only do that if you can find it in your heart to move past this and come back to me. I hope that you can. The last four days have been some of the worst of my life. Your letter broke my heart, and I can hardly stop crying. If you really do abandon me, I will never be the same. I doubt that I'll ever recover._

_Please don't leave me, Castle. I need you by my side always._

_I love you,_

_Kate Beckett_

Kate placed the letter in an envelope, and wrote the initials _RC_ on the front. She would drop it at his loft in the morning on her way to work.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here's the next letter. When you get to it, you might want to grab some tissues. I'm crying and I wrote the damn thing. We also get a little bit of Martha in this, as someone needed to force Rick to read Kate's letter. **

**The next chapter, which will likely be the last unless it stretches to ungodly proportions, will be the face to face meeting between our two heroes. It won't happen the way you think it will. I know, I know, I'm such a tease. :)**

**Thanks so much for the wonderful reception this story has gotten. It has been truly overwhelming. Please keep leaving reviews to let me know what you think.**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Richard, Darling," Martha said as she entered Castle's office that Saturday morning, "I found this letter for you under the door a few minutes ago. It's from Katherine."

"You can dispose of that for me, Mother. I don't want to read it," He said as he looked up from his laptop. He had just started on what he considered the last _Nikki Heat_ novel, tentatively titled _Last Heat_.

"Come now, Richard. You need to read this."

"Let me guess, you opened it? Why am I not surprised, Mother?"

"You know me, dear. But really, son, you need to read this," she said in a determined tone.

"I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't keep digging into things that have to do with her. I have to leave her behind, and try to move on. It is already hard enough without having to read her words."

"Can I ask you a question? Do you still love her?"

"You know that I do. But she doesn't feel the same. And even if she did, I can't trust her. She lied."

"Oh, like you've never lied to anyone before," she said with a dramatic flourish of her hands. "Get off your high horse, darling, it doesn't suit you. And as for feeling the same, I think that you might be surprised, if only you'll read what she has to say."

He took a deep breath. "You're not going to stop hounding me about this until I read it will you?"

"Not likely," she said with a smirk. "You always claim I'm so dramatic, but really, you two are putting on a pretty good show without any help from me. Now read the letter," she said as she handed the open envelope to her son.

So he did.

xxxxxxxxxxx

A half hour later, Rick was still clutching Kate's letter in his hands. He didn't know what to do. _She loves me? That can't be true, right? She's just saying it because she doesn't want me to leave. With that last paragraph she's trying to guilt me into staying._

Instead of solving things, the letter had only clouded things in his mind. He didn't know how to respond to this. After considering things for a few minutes, he sat the letter down, grabbed his laptop and started to type another letter in a new word document.

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't believe you when you say you love me. If you had said that five days ago, I would have, but I don't right now. I want to believe you, but the trust we once had is gone. I don't know if it will ever come back. I don't know if I want it to._

_You're right, though. You should have told me the truth from the get-go. I would have waited for you, Kate. Forever. I am an extraordinarily patient man when it comes to you. Even now, if it hadn't been for your lie, I would still be waiting. I'm not sure what that says about me. Maybe I'm a fool. Maybe what I was waiting for was never really there to begin with. _

_I hate writing these words. They are among the hardest things I've ever had to write, and saying them, even in writing, is causing me a lot of pain. It's almost physical. I love you, and saying goodbye wasn't easy. Reading your letter was even harder, because I know that I've caused you pain, and I've never wanted to do that. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy, and now I've made it even harder for that to happen. _

_But at the end of the day, no matter how much I hate causing you pain, I have to step away from you. I don't care that you've hurt me in the past. We hurt each other that summer with Demming and Gina, I know that you were about to say yes to my invitation. We hurt each other during that book party when we said nasty things about each other. You caused me more pain than I can ever express by disappearing for three months after you were shot. We made it through ALL of that and a lot more. But we can't make it through this. As I said in my letter, I can forgive you for this Kate, but I can't trust you again. In our relationship, trust is everything. And we have none left. I don't trust you, and you obviously don't trust me. If you trusted me, if you knew me at all, you'd have known that I could handle anything you said to me as long as it was honest. I could have handled a rejection or an "I'm not ready yet, Castle" that day in the hospital. Hell I could have even handled a "We'll talk about it when I'm better". But instead, you lied._

_I'm capable of so much more than you give me credit for, and I think in the end that is really why you lied. You don't trust me enough with your heart, so you had to lie to protect it. I don't know what else I could have done to express that what I feel for you is real. I've stuck with you through things no one else would have. I've sat through every insult you've hurled my way, every not-so-subtle rebuff of my affection, and I've done nothing, __**nothing**__, but care with all I have. Yet it isn't enough for you. And if it isn't then this was never going to happen anyways, because that is all I have to give; my love. _

_You've done everything in your power over the last four years to keep me at arm's length. I should have just taken the hint. I am such a fool. Perhaps nothing epitomizes this more than your refusal to use my first name. I can understand you calling me Castle at the precinct or at crime scenes, but in a letter begging me not to go, I'm still Castle. It's impersonal. It's cold. And it proves to me more than anything else that no matter what you say, no matter how close you think you really are to being 'ready', you're not really in this. You don't really want this. If you did, you'd be trying harder._

_I'm sorry, Kate. I really am. I feel like I've been very harsh with you in this letter, but I can't hide my feelings any more. I'm hurt, and I refuse to hide that fact from you. I can not come back to the precinct, even though I might want to. I can't bear to cause you more pain, but I have to protect myself from any more heartbreak. _

_Remember that no matter what, I will always love you. I hope that the last paragraph of your letter doesn't come true. I hope you can move on, and heal from this experience. I hope that you can find strength inside to become a better, happier, and more open person. I hope that someday, when that happens, you'll find someone who can make you even happier. God knows, I tried._

_Love Always,_

_Rick Castle_

As he placed the letter into the envelope and put her initials on it, he thought about how he should move on. Obviously she wasn't going to let him go without a fight. He wondered what that meant, but shook his head. _It changes nothing. I still don't trust her._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – No letter this time, simply some action. After some consideration and some cajoling by a dozen different reviewers, I'm continuing on. Warning for this chapter, spoilers for **_**Always**_**. Though if you haven't seen that yet, I'm ashamed to know you.**

There had been a break in her mom's case, and she didn't really care. She had read his letter, and life itself had ceased to matter. How could she have broken this so completely? _How could she have broken him? _She sat at her desk as Espo and Ryan searched for the location of the man who shot her, Cole Maddox. But even their frenzied activity wasn't enough to gain her complete attention.

"Beckett, we've found him. He has a room at an apartment building downtown. We traced the GPS on his rental car. He's there." Espo said, as he and Ryan approached her desk. "How do you want to handle this?"

He stared at her, waiting for her response. "Beckett?" Nothing. "Kate?"

She finally looked up, and met his eyes. "I don't know, Espo. I…" she trailed off, not knowing what to do. Castle had left her, and she didn't know how to get him back. Or even if there was a way to get him back. She couldn't do this without him. She needed her partner. Her best friend. Her…

"Listen, Kate," Esposito said, interrupting her thoughts. "I know that Castle leaving hurts, but we have a job to do. I know you want to get this guy, we all do. I don't know how long Maddox will stay in this location. We have to come up with a plan and move now, or we'll lose him, and who knows what he's planning."

"My head isn't in the game, Espo. I can't focus on this. But you're right." She took a deep breath and looked around the precinct. _The hell with it, _she thought. _Let's just get it done, so I can go home and cry in peace._

"Okay, so do you have a plan?"

"We can't tell Gates. I still don't trust her with this case. Ryan?" Ryan, who had been looking between the two detectives during their exchange says, "Yeah, boss?"

"You stay here and continue to monitor the GPS on his car. Espo and I will go bring him in."

"We need to tell Gates about this, Beckett. You need to take backup with you. This guys is a killer, it'll take more than the two of you to take him down."

"No, Ryan. I still don't know whom to trust. For now we keep this between us. It's the way it has to be," she argued.

"Bro, we got this. You stay here and keep an eye out for movement and alert us if something changes. We got this."

"This isn't right. You guys know that." He was starting to panic. He couldn't let his friends, his family really, go off like this. They needed back up, even if they were too stubborn to admit it.

"Kevin, I don't want to do this at all, honestly. But it has to be done. We might as well just go get it over with." She stood up and grabbed her keys. As she and Esposito headed off towards the elevator, Ryan pulled out his phone. He had to do something to stop her and Espo from getting themselves killed. _Desperate times, call for desperate measures._

xxxxxxx

Castle sat at his desk, looking for inspiration. Something to help him write. Something to help him get through this damn book. Nothing came to him, however. His damn laptop just sat there, taunting him. Every time he started out with an idea, all he could think of was _her_. Like it or not, he had to admit, that she _was_ Nikki Heat. Without the real life detective, the other would not exist. These books were his love letters to _her_, even if she didn't accept that, even if she had broken his heart. How could he write another?

As he sat there staring at an empty word document, he heard his phone buzz where it sat on the edge of his desk. He groaned. _Who could that be? _He sighed, thinking that he should get it just in case it was Alexis. She had been spending a few hours with her friends before her graduation later that night. He picked the device up without looking at it and hit the answer key.

"Castle," he said.

"Hey, Castle. It's Ryan. Listen, I know that you've left the precinct, but Beckett's in trouble. We found a lead on her shooter, and she and Espo have gone to collect him, but wouldn't take backup or alert the Captain. I can't cover them both without asking Gates for backup, which will just get them both in serious trouble. I need you to help me. Beckett could be in serious danger here."

"I'm not a cop, Ryan, remember? Hell, I'm not even Beckett's partner anymore. I don't want to be. Don't you have a whole precinct full of uniforms down there that could help you with this?"

"I don't have time to explain or argue, Castle. Get your ass to this address, now. Do this and we'll never ask anything of you again. Promise." He rattled off an address about 10 minutes from Castle's loft, then hung up. Castle looked down at his phone, and then stood up from his desk, grabbed his phone, keys and wallet, and headed for the door. _What the hell was he doing?_

xxxxxxxxxx

When the cab pulled up to the address that Ryan had given him, Castle paid and got out. As they had approached the address, he had gotten more and more nervous. No matter what he kept trying to tell himself, he still cared deeply for this woman. _No. He still loved this woman, _he corrected himself. He didn't want her to die, no matter what was or wasn't going on between them personally. In the end that is why he decided to come when Ryan had called.

He found the Irish detective pacing back and forth in front of the building. "According to a couple witnesses across the street, two 'cop like people' entered this building about five minutes ago. We have to get up there Castle."

Together they rushed into the building and started to climb the stairs. Ryan had his gun drawn and his vest on. Suddenly, Castle was sure that he should have his vest on too, but it was too late for that. When they reached the fifth floor, Ryan opened the door to the hallway carefully, and peeked out. What he saw scared the crap out him. Espo was lying on his back in front of an open door.

Together Ryan and Castle rushed to the Hispanic detective's side. Ryan bent down and checked his partner's pulse. It was steady, proving that Espo was simply unconscious. _Thank God, _he thought.

"Where's Beckett?" Castle asked looking around frantically, the panic starting to get to him.

"I don't know," Ryan said, looking around. "I've got to call this in, Epso is going to need help."

"I'm going up to the roof. She has to be up there."

"Be careful, Castle. No risks, you hear me?" Castle nodded and headed towards the stairwell that led to the roof. As he walked, he noticed several bullet holes in the wall beside the door leading to the stairs. He quickened his pace, thinking for some reason that time was running out.

He opened the door and rushed up the stairs. When he got to the roof, he looked frantically around for Kate, but didn't see her or anyone else, so he called out, "Kate?! Where are you?" Okay so maybe calling out when there was a trained killed out there somewhere wasn't the best idea, but he had to do something.

"Kate!"

She was going to die. This was how it was all going to end. Her life was going to end, and her partner, the love of her life, wasn't here. He didn't believe her, didn't trust her, and maybe didn't even love her anymore. She was going to die. She deserved to die.

_She deserved this._ She clung to the ledge, still hanging on for dear life despite the wish to die. Her will to live overpowering her grief. But even that will, that overwhelming urge to live so she could fix her life, fix him, fix them, couldn't stop the pull of gravity. Her right arm lost its grip on the ledge, "No, damn it no, not like this," she whimpered.

At that moment she heard a voice coming from the rooftop. "Kate!" That was Castle. He hadn't abandoned her, he was here! "Castle!" She shouted. He had to hurry, her left hand wouldn't be able to hold her weight much longer. "Castle! Help!"

"Beckett!" His voice was still so far away. He wasn't going to make it. She was never going to see him again. Was never going to be able to make him see the truth. She loved him, and he didn't believe her.

"Beckett, hang on!" he shouted. She could feel her fingers weakening, she knew it was only a matter of seconds before her grip failed and her life was over. She knew it. It was over. As her fingers finally gave way, she felt an arm clasp hers in a tight grip, unrelenting in their power, frantically pulling her up, up over the edge of the building, saving her.

**A/N 2 – Had to. Just had to leave it there. Next chapter soon. **

**And for our angst lovers out there, don't worry, just because he saved her doesn't mean happy times are here again. **

**Please leave a review if you're still liking this story. **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N – Here's the next chapter. There will be one more chapter after this and an epilogue. Thanks to all for the reviews, favs and follows. They mean so much to me.**

**I normally for get to mention that I don't own Castle or its characters. It seems pretty obvious that I don't.**

**xxxxxxxxxx**

Their momentum forced them both backwards, falling hard on the gravel rooftop. She sprawled on top of him, breathing heavily. "Oh, God. Thank you, Castle. Thank you," she said breathlessly, looking up at him, seeing his face for the first time in days.

Still breathing hard, he lifted her off of him, and made to stand up. "I'm glad you're okay, Beckett," he said, looking her over for injuries and then walked back towards the stairwell.

"Castle! Wait!" She cried, trying to catch her breath. "Rick!" He couldn't do this to her. He couldn't just show up, save her life (again), and then walk away, like it was nothing. She couldn't let him leave without trying to talk to him. _She had to fix this. Fix them._

"Rick!" She shouted as she chased after him. He paused by the door to the roof, and turned around.

"What, Kate? Seriously. I'm only here because Ryan called me. I'm glad I could help, but we're done, remember?"

She closed the distance between them and grabbed him roughly by his arm. "Damn you. I can't fix this if you won't fucking listen to me. You have to listen to me. Can we just have a damn conversation?"

Castle laughed. Right in her face. She looked at him, stunned by that reaction. She had expected something, anything but laughter. "What the hell is so funny, Castle," she asked, annoyance coloring her tone. Her emotions were all over the scale. She knew that they had to talk, but she had just come close to dying, she couldn't very well think straight right now. But she also couldn't deal with him laughing at her when she was trying, _trying_, to get him to at least talk to her.

"You. God, Kate, you don't even see the irony there do you? You want to talk? We don't talk. That is the damn problem here. If we talked about these things, if we told each other the damn truth once in a while when it came to our feelings for each other, we wouldn't be in this situation. We'd have been married for a couple years now. But we don't talk. I'm not blaming you for that, because it's my fault too. We have epically bad timing. Every time one of us wants to say the words…"

At that moment, Ryan cleared his throat, just having opened the door. "Am I interrupting something?" Again, Castle laughed, shaking in his amusement. He knew that it wasn't really that funny, but the act of pulling Kate away from that ledge was starting to get to him. She had come so close. If he had been _seconds_ later, she would have fallen. He knew that that moment would cause him to have nightmares, even if he continued to shut her out of his life.

Ryan looked at Castle, wondering what he was laughing at. Beckett turned to her Irish friend and said, "Can you give us a minute, Kev?"

"Sure, Beckett. Paramedics just took Javi in. He has a concussion and maybe a few bruised ribs, but should be alright. I've managed to talk sense into Gates, so she isn't going to fire you, but wants to talk to you as soon as possible."

"All right, just give us a bit, please?"

"Yeah," he walked back through the door, closing it behind him.

"You're right, Rick. We don't talk," Beckett said, turning back to the man she loved. "And you're right, that's the problem. But dammit, it's time to fix it. I'm sick of all this. We need to fix this, and the only way we can do that is by talking it out. Even if we are over, we need to talk. I need it, and I think you need it too. I know you don't trust me after everything I've done, but everything we've went through over the last four years, Rick, hasn't been a lie. What we mean to each other isn't a lie. I need you to talk to me, to believe me." She was crying now, uncontrollable tears and sobs making her whole body tremble.

Castle looked down at his feet, thinking. He loved this woman. There was no doubt about that in his mind what-so-ever. He remembered one of his all-time favorite quotes: _Forgiveness is the final form of love.*_ He truly had forgiven her for lying to him. He had said that in both of his letters, and he meant it. "Okay," he said, looking up into her beautiful eyes. "We'll talk. I'm not promising anything, though, Kate. I can't. But we can talk.

"Listen, you need to go face the music with Gates, and I have to get ready for Alexis's graduation ceremony in a couple hours. Come over to the loft around 9 tonight and we'll talk."

Kate let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding, relief flooding though her. _That's a start at least, _she thought. "Okay, I'll be there. I promise."

Castle removed her grip from his arm, and started again for the stairs, as he opened the door to the stairwell, he looked over his shoulder and said, "I really am glad you're okay, Kate." Then he was gone.

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When Kate walked into her apartment later that day, she felt completely drained. Gates had been absolutely furious with her and Esposito for keeping their investigation secret and going into a dangerous situation without backup. Kate knew that what she had done was wrong, and had been willing to face the consequences. _But a month's long suspension?_ That seemed like a bit much, at least in Kate's opinion. She hadn't fought it though. In her mind, that month would give her time to make things right with Castle. _If I can make it right,_ she thought demurely.

With no gun or badge to take care of, she flopped down on her bed, just wanting to close her eyes for a few minutes. She knew her day wasn't over yet. As she lay there, she thought about what she was going to say to Castle later that night. Words had never been her forte, so she knew that it was going to be hard. _Maybe impossible,_ a little voice said in the back of her mind. Thinking about how she could make it easier, she decided that she'd rely on the method of communication that had started this whole nightmare. She'd write a letter.

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Alexis' graduation ceremony was beautiful and amazing, but also completely draining for Richard Castle. His little girl, his baby bird, was growing up. He knew that this summer would be one of the most difficult times of his life, knowing that she would be gone in the fall, even if it was only a few miles away.

He also knew that the summer would be even harder now that he didn't have his 'job' at the precinct to rely on, or Kate Beckett to distract him. _It's going to be rough,_ he thought as he unlocked the door to his loft around 7PM that night.

He walked into his office after depositing his jacket on the couch, and opened his laptop. He had three chapters of the next Nikki Heat novel due at the end of the week, and he hadn't even outlined them. Gina was going to kill him if he was late again, so he thought that he could use the time before Kate showed up to at least get a start.

Unfortunately, his writers block hadn't gone away. His inspiration for these novels was still missing, and he couldn't seem to find it anywhere. He sighed, and put his laptop back on his desk, after staring at the blank screen for a half hour. His thoughts turned to the upcoming conversation with Beckett. He had no idea how that was going to go. He had been trying for days to justify his distance, justify his reason and rationale for walking away. He knew that his reaction was borne more out of hurt and anger than logic. He knew that, he just didn't know how to get past it. _How do you trust someone who lied; someone who broke your heart? _He honestly didn't know.

_A hour and a half later…_

When he heard the knock on his door, he got up from his desk, where he had been dozing instead of writing, and walked towards the sound. His nerves were getting the best of him. _Maybe this isn't the best idea._

Richard Castle, however, was no coward. Sure he'd scream like a girl when he was startled, but he never backed down from a situation. With that in mind, he checked to make sure it was actually her at the door, and then opened it wide, consequences be damned. _He could do this._

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**A/N 2- This whole cliff hanger thing is becoming a dangerous habit. Sorry. Next chapter soon. Leave a review so I know you still like where this story is going. There will be a happy ending for those reviewers who are getting sick of angst. I promise.**

***The quote is from a man named Reinhold Niebuhr, an ethicist in the early 20****th**** century**.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N – Here's the final chapter. There will be an epilogue if you want it. This chapter got out of hand, but I didn't want to break it up, so here it is. I'm not sure what to think of it. I had to strike a balance between keeping Rick at a distance and still eventually giving in to a happy ending. I'm not sure if I succeeded. Leave a review and let me know what you think.**

**I will remind you that Rick's secret does not exist in this AU. He told Kate about Mr. Smith when he received the call. I was asked why. My reason is that I hate that lie. Well not the lie exactly, but I hate Kate's reaction to anything that Rick does wrong. She doesn't handle it well, and she tends to overreact or push him away. I didn't want that to happen here so I wrote it out.**

**Anywho, here's the last installment. Enjoy!**

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"Hi" Kate said as Castle opened the door to the loft.

"Hi," he said, stepping back to let her enter. After closing the door behind her, he asked, "how'd it go with Gates?"

"She was pissed, more so than I've ever seen her. And rightfully so, really. I should have never been put in charge of this case, let alone allowed to go into that situation without backup." She took a deep breath and looked back at him. "She suspended me. For a month. Javi too, which is the only part that I feel bad about. He didn't deserve to be suspended, it was my call and he was just backing me up like he always does. But she couldn't be talked out of it."

"How's Ryan doing in all this? Is Espo furious with him?"

"Yeah. I don't know if their partnership is going to survive this really. The look on Javi's face when he stormed out of the precinct…God, Castle, I can't even describe it. I don't think I've ever seen anyone that angry before."

"I think they will find their way back, but maybe that's just the optimist in me."

"What about us?" she asked shyly. "Will we make our way back too?"

Castle sighed, and started towards the couch. "Let's talk about us, Kate. I can't answer your question yet, I just can't." She followed him to the couch, sitting down across from him.

He leaned his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands. Kate sat there watching him for several moments, considering how to start this conversation, before saying, "Thank you, Rick, for at least being in the same room with me. I know you don't want to. Thank you again for saving me today. I'll never be able to repay you for all the times you've been there for me. Never.

I know you don't trust a word I say now, but the only way I know to change that is to prove to you how I feel. I don't know any other way. You wrote me a letter to say goodbye. Writing back to you… It was freeing for me, I don't know how else to say it. I do want to talk about us, and I mean actually talk, Rick, but I want you to read this first." She held out a slip of paper that was neatly folded. Castle, who had looked up at her while she was talking, took the paper from her, unfolded it, and looked back at her.

"Okay," he said, then looked down at the letter which was filled with her neat script.

_Dear Rick,_

_You're the writer; the one who always knows what to say. I'm just a detective; and a broken one at that. Even if we make it through this, I'll never have your flair with words or your ability to say what needs to be said. It is one of the many reasons why I'll never deserve you. I've done nothing but cause you pain, so why was I so surprised when you finally gave up and moved on? I should have seen it coming. I should have known that lying to you was the last thing I should do. I should have known that all it would take for you to give up on me was one sign that I didn't feel the same way as you do. I should have known._

_I know I lied, and you say you forgive me, but I don't think you really do. What I did was unforgivable, really. It isn't that I lied, or what I lied about, it is the duration of the lie that I think really bothers you. It bothers me too. I led you on, left you waiting for months with only the slightest promise of one day being more. I thought that I wasn't ready, so I made you wait. I took for granted that you'd _always_ be there, because you told me so. I didn't even think for a second that this lie would drive us apart. God, I was so naïve._

_I was wrong, Rick. I thought that your love for me would be enough to get us past any hurdle. I knew very well that I would be the one to put those hurdles in our path, but I thought that we could get past anything together. What I never foresaw was you leaving. I never thought we wouldn't be together to get past those hurdles. _

_Now I feel as if I'm running this race alone. My partner is gone, and is maybe never coming back. I don't know if I can finish this race without him. After all, what's the point? You were my forever, my end point. Without the hope that there is something (you) waiting for me at the finish line, why keep running? Maybe I should just build my walls again._

_I know you've said you forgive me for lying. I know that what concerns you most right now is trust. I know those things, but I don't know what I can do besides beg you to give me another chance. I've done it for you before, if you remember. I took you back after you looked into my mother's case that first year. You said you were sorry and I took you back. I know these situations aren't the same, but I hope that you'll at least consider giving me a second chance. _

_So that's what I'll do. I'll beg. I'll plead. I'll do absolutely anything to get you back. _

_I love you more than life itself,_

_Kate_

When Castle looked back up, he had tears in his eyes. Kate said, "I don't want to go back to the way we were, Rick. I want more. You deserve more, we both do. I want to date you, be your girlfriend. I want one day to be Mrs. Kate Castle. More than anything. You are my one and done. I've known it for a while, and one of the biggest mistakes of my life was not telling you sooner. I just hope that someday, some way, I can help you see how much I love you, because it's the truth."

Castle looked at her, tears flowing freely now down his cheeks. After a few moments and a few deep breaths to get his emotions under control (which failed miserably), he stood up and started to pace. At this point, Kate is beginning to worry even more. _What if this can't be fixed, _she thought.

After several laps back and forth in front of the couch, Castle paused in front of her and gazed into her eyes as if to search her soul. She so badly wants to look away, because the way he's looking at her like he can see right through her is so intense, but she knows that if she does, she will lose him. So she maintains the eye contact, which lasts for several seconds before he starts to pace again. "Castle, please, please, say something."

He pauses again and gives her another look before saying, "Kate…I…I need a minute or two. I'm going to go in my office, I just need some space." Without waiting for a reply, he walks towards his study. Before he closes the door after him he turns around and says "Please don't leave, Kate. Please."

She nods, not knowing what else to say. He closed the door behind him and Kate was alone once more.

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After Castle closed the door behind him, he sank to the floor, leaning against the closed door and put his head in his hands. _What the hell am I doing? I swore that I was done with her, that I could never trust her again._ The truth, however, was that he didn't know what his life would be without her in it. Over the last few days he had been fooling himself into thinking that he could just make a clean break. Move on, never think of her again, and hopefully find happiness again. But he knew now that there was no happiness unless she was by his side.

Her letter had struck a chord deep within him. She had forgiven him his past transgressions. Could he not do the same? Was her lie too much to move past? _Maybe not,_ he thought, _the question is, is she telling the truth when she says she loves me? How can I know for sure?_

He sat there on the floor, simply looking off into space, not seeing anything. His thoughts were all over the place, and he didn't know what to do. He had been so sure that saying goodbye and walking away was the best thing for him to do, but the more the thought about it, the less certain he became. He had been miserable for the last few days. He hadn't been sleeping, he couldn't write, and he hadn't been able to stop thinking about the brunette detective sitting out in his living room. _Would it be so bad to let her back in? Trust her?_ His brain wanted to keep her at a distance, because he knew that no other person on the planet had the ability to hurt him the way she did. His heart, which would always be hers, was urging him to give her another chance, to trust her, to believe her once more.

After sitting on the floor for what must have been twenty minutes, he decided it was time to make a decision and go back out to the living room.

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Kate was seriously getting antsy. What if this was all a big mistake? What if she couldn't fix this and it was better to just let it be? She couldn't even fathom a life without him in it anymore, and the last few days where she had experienced what that would be like had been torture. She couldn't be herself without him. At some point over the last four years, he had been sewn into the fabric of her being, and he wasn't going to be gotten out easily, if at all. She didn't really want him out.

She stood up from where she had been sitting on the couch, sick of just waiting for him to come out and break her heart_. She had to do something._ As he had before, she started to pace back and forth in front of the couch. Her thoughts were erratic. As more and more time passed, the darker her thoughts became. After 10 minutes she thought about leaving, and just letting him go. He was eventually going to come out of that office and tell her that they were done, and she didn't know if she could hear that without completely losing her mind. After 15 minutes she was sure that he was going to break her heart, and that there was nothing she could do about it.

She continued to pace, thinking more and more about just leaving. About giving up. _Detective Kate Beckett doesn't give up_, a small voice in the back of her mind said. It sounded suspiciously like Richard Castle. _Great, now even the voice in my head sounds like him._ But it was true. She never gave up on something she wanted, or needed. She remembered something he had once said to her: "_Most people come up against a wall, they give up, but not you. You don't give up, you don't back down … It's what makes you extraordinary."_ It was this thought that kept her in the apartment. He thought she was extraordinary. She just hoped somewhere deep inside, he still thought that. She stopped pacing when she realized that she was no longer alone with her thoughts. He was standing there, behind the couch, having come back from his office without her noticing.

She turned to look at him, tears in her eyes; falling down her cheeks. _This is it, _she thought.

He looked at her, with those startling blue eyes, but said nothing. They just stood there for what seemed like hours looking at each other, neither knowing what to say. Finally, it was Castle who broke the silence. "Do you really love me? Tell me the truth. If you're just saying it so I don't leave, you can tell me. It'll hurt, but I'll get over it. No more lies. Just tell me."

She looked back at him. She had expected the worst, so when that question had sprung from his mouth, she was completely shocked, and it showed on her face. "I love you, Rick. More than anything. I wouldn't say it unless it was true. I may be a liar, but I'm not a heartless bitch. I wouldn't say it unless it was true," she repeated, willing him to believe her. "I love you," she said again forcefully.

He pulled a hand through his hair, looking exhausted. He looked back up at her and met her gaze, and said, "I believe you." Her knees felt weak, so she sat down on the edge of the couch.

"Really?" she asked in a small voice.

He took a deep breath, walked around the couch and took a seat next to her. "Yes. I…" he paused, collecting his thoughts, "I'm not sure yet what it means for us, but I believe you." He looked down at his hands, thinking about how they could move forward. "If we're going to try this, Kate, I need to know that you're in for the long haul. This isn't a conquest for me anymore, if it ever was. You're it. If we start, we'll never stop. It'll be dates and dancing then a proposal and a wedding, and then little feet running though our bedroom. That's what this is for me. It's forever. I need to know that that is what you want too."

She looked up at him from underneath her eyelashes, a brilliant smile lighting up her face. "You want that with me?"

He nodded. "More than anything. I have for so long, and I thought we were getting there, and then I heard you in that interrogation room and I just lost it. For days I didn't think I even knew who you were anymore. It was your letter that made me see that maybe I was overreacting, that maybe you were still the extraordinary woman that I've been in love with for almost four years. I hope that you are. If you aren't telling the truth about your feelings, it'll break me. Probably forever."

Without warning or preamble she closed the distance between and pressed her lips to his. At first he didn't respond, completely shocked that it was her that made the first move, but after a moment, he kissed her back. The kiss was soft, tentative, but full of promise. Kate tried to put all the words, all her feelings into that simple kiss.

When they needed to pull apart for air, Kate leaned her forehead against his and said, "Now that was amazing." He laughed, remembering when he had said the same thing after their first/undercover kiss. "I love you, Richard Castle. I know you are still having trouble believing that, but I want all of that too. Dating and all the rest. Though if you think about it," she paused, pulling her head back from his and looking him in the eyes, "we've been dating for four years."

"Yeah, I guess we kinda have." He looked away for a minute before looking at her again, "as much as I might want to, Kate, we can't just jump into bed and make everything go away. You weren't ready for a relationship six days ago, and I'm not sure I believe that you're there yet."

"I'm there Rick. I almost died today. A couple times, actually. When I was hanging from that roof, all I could think about was you. I didn't care that my shooter had gotten away, or that my mother's case might never be closed. All I cared about was that I might never get to see you again or be able to tell you how much I love you. It was all I could think about, and then you were there. Like you always do, you saved me. So please don't put the brakes on for my benefit. If you want time, if you need space, tell me and I'll give them freely. I'll do anything to prove to you that I want this, that I love you and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

He stood up and transferred his weight back where he had been sitting when she came in. He patted next to him, indicating that she should sit down. Together they sit for a few minutes. Kate doesn't want to break the silence. She needs him to say something, anything to the statement that she just made. _Hell you basically just proposed to him,_ she thought.

After what seemed like hours, Castle looked over at her and said with a small smirk on his face, "Did you just propose to me, Katherine Beckett?"

"No! Um…Yes…I don't know…maybe?" When he started to laugh, her first instinct was to be angry, but then she thought about the conversation, and what she had just done, and started to laugh with him.

_She has such a beautiful laugh, _Rick thought, as his own laughter consumed him. After a few minutes of absurdly powerful joy, brought on more by the emotional stress of the past few days than the hilarity of her statement, they both finally calm down enough to start catching their breath. "We are so, so not getting married, Kate."

That pulls her up short, "Wait, you don't want to marry me?"

"Well, yes, of course I do, but not yet. I've spent the last four years trying to get us to this moment where we finally get our heads out of our asses and talk about how we feel about each other. I admit our relationship isn't traditional in any sense of the word, but I want some of that traditional stuff. I guess I'm a romantic at heart. I want to take you out on a real date, make love to you the first time after we've dated for a little while," he wagged his eyebrows, "after a few months I want to ask you to move in with me, and then I will ask that question. You're right, in a way, though, we don't need to spend a lot of time dating before we make steps towards that future, but I still want some of it. Don't you?"

She met his eyes with a small smile forming, "that sounds great. Does that mean we can do that?" She hated how cautious she sounded, but she was still unclear where they stood.

"I'm not going to lie. I'm still incredibly mad at you for lying to me," he took a deep breath, "but you're right when you've said you've forgiven me before. Hell maybe my sin of digging up your mother's case again was bigger than your lie. It got you shot and even now you're still in danger because of what I did that first year. And even with all that you took me back."

"Castle, none of that was your fault, you know that right? Sure you dragged up my mom's case, but you didn't cause me to get shot, you didn't throw me off the side of the building today. Don't feel guilty for those things, please."

"I know you say that, Kate, and I know that in a way it's true, but I'll always feel some guilt for those things. But never mind that, my point is that you forgave me, so I should forgive you. I can't say it's going to be easy for us over the next few weeks, but if you're willing to fight for this, for us, then I am too."

For the first time in what seemed like weeks, though it had only been a few days, Kate Beckett took a complete breath, relief flooding through her. She knows that what lays ahead of them will be simply amazing, she has no doubts whatsoever. Oh, she knows they'll fight, and that she'll inevitably hurt him, but if they can get through what she did, her lie, than they can get through anything. With that thought, she stood up, grabbed his hand and tugged until he stood up next to her. Turning so that their bodies aligned, she looked up at him and said, "Will you go on a date with me Mr. Castle?"

"Yeah? You're gonna ask me out? When?" Castle asked.

"No better time than the present," she said, with a smile. "I love you, you love me, and I want to get a jump start on the future. What do you say? Are you in?"

"Always."

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**AN 2 Remember to leave a review and tell me if you want to see the epilogue.**


	7. Epilogue

**A/N – So here we are, friends. The end. I hope you've enjoyed reading this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. I want to thank you all again for the kind reviews and follows. If I haven't responded personally to you yet, I will soon.**

**Disclaimer: I have not nor will I ever own Castle or its characters. If you thought I did, you're just silly.**

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When Kate Beckett walked into the loft that Friday evening, she was completely exhausted. They had spent the week trying to nail a serial killer who targeted young boys. They had finally gotten him earlier that afternoon, but it had not been a great week. After she and Castle had gotten the confession, she had sent him home to start cooking dinner. She was _starving_.

Over the last year that they had been together, they had overcome many obstacles. After they had been dating for a month, he had surprised her by asking her to move in. At that point she had only spent one night in her apartment since the night they had gotten together. So she had said yes. At first she hadn't known how well she would do living with another person, let alone his daughter and mother, but she felt at home here, safe. More so than anywhere she had ever lived outside of her parents' house when she was growing up.

The past year had been amazing. She had never been so happy in her entire life, and she knew that it could all be attributed to one ruggedly handsome mystery writer. Putting her bag on the couch she walked to the kitchen to see said mystery writer only to find the kitchen dark. _Where is he?_

She walked in the kitchen to see if he had even started to cook dinner, but saw no signs that he had begun any preparations. She scowled. _Dammit, I'm hungry. Where is my silly man?_

When she turned around to go check his office, she saw an envelope propped up on the island counter. She smiled. She walked forward and picked the envelope up, looking it over. Opening it and pulling out a single sheet of paper, she began to read.

_Dear Kate,_

_I love you. We've said that to each other hundreds of times over the last year, and I will never get tired of hearing you say it or saying it back to you. I love you. _

_The last year has been the most amazing year of my life, and I know you feel the same way. I am so glad that we've had this time together, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. We are special together, like I always knew we would be. You make me a better man and a better father. I would not be here if it weren't for you._

_Together we can get past any hurdle life throws at us. In fact, we already have. Our lives aren't easy, and in many ways we're completely different. You're a strong passionate cop who takes no bull from anyone. I'm a simple writer who has found a great opportunity for research, but I am no cop (as you so rightfully point out). But despite our differences, we work. It's like we were meant to be together, and you know how I abhor clichés. But it's true. You are the love of my life and I cannot imagine a single day where you are not in it. Such a day would not be worth living._

_All of this leads to a point. I'm sure you're wondering where I am, and where your dinner is. After all you sent me away today to fix you food, and as I'm sure you're now aware, there is no food to be had. Unfortunately the kitchen at Casa de Castle is not available tonight. But fear not, my lovely detective, I have a solution. You will get your meal._

_But first, I have a question. There is no easy way to do this, and really there is no right way to do this. I've thought of a million different ways, seeking out the perfect way to ask this simple question, but in the end, I chose this. We almost lost this relationship a year ago because of a letter. I'm hoping we can start the next leg of what we've created with another. So…_

_Will you marry me?_

Kate looked up, her hands shaking, tears running down her cheeks. Castle was standing on the other side of the island, holding a ring. "So?" He asked, with a smirk on his face.

"Hell yes!" She said as she flew into his arms. "Yes, yes, yes, yes!"

He picked her up and twirled her around before sitting her down and pressing his lips to hers. They had enjoyed many kisses since that first tentative kiss a year ago, but this was by far the best one yet. He stepped back from her, and put the ring on her left finger, while looking her in the eyes.

"We're getting married!" she said, with glee. "I can't believe we finally got here!"

"I can. I knew we would eventually. Once we got together there was no other conclusion. We make each other better, Kate. I love you more than anything else, and I know now that you feel the same. Together we can do anything, and I think that the future is ours. This is our next step."

She looked up at him, a huge smile on her face. "I love you, Rick."

"I love you too, Kate," he responded as he bent down to kiss her again. "Always."

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**Thoughts? R&R**


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